Taking the first step

I don’t often write and I must confess I am not good at this. But there is so much clutter of information in my head that is making me feel very restless. I feel like something is trying to creep out of me and it wouldn’t stop haunting unless it manages to break free. Writing is the quickest form of outlet but somehow I struggle with finding the perfect momentum. I planned to write a couple days back… uh no… I mean a couple of weeks back. Nahhh who am I kidding?! I was attempting to do so since years. This blog was launched way back 2013 but not a single article was added.

I am a person that is so passionate about learning, accumulating knowledge and wisdom from the very ancient to the new age era. I have interest in broad topics about history, science, technology, conspiracies, spirituality and leadership to name a few. As I continue to learn, in few occasions, I had this odd feeling of being too full that I cannot take more stuff in anymore, yet, I also felt that I still know so little and crave for more. I knew exactly what I was going through. It’s like going to a fiesta, eating too much food until you’re stuffed up but the food was just so plenty and delicious that you feel bad you cannot eat anymore.

The food we intake needs to be digested and used by our bodies in order to make our organs function that in turn, enables us to do mental and physical tasks. Anything that we put inside our bodies are transformed and channeled back again externally to where it came from. We consume and then we produce. Then it repeats the cycle endlessly until we are no longer able to do so.

I realised that I needed an outlet to achieve this balance that I speak of; to keep the wheel turning. I need to digest the information and transform it by practicing what I learn if it is applicable or sharing it to someone else. Information is not meant to be stacked, hidden inside a chest. It is meant to be spread and be put into use. I sometimes feel that information has a life of its own. No matter how hard you try to contain it, it finds its way out into the world.

I feel lucky enough that I met my partner, Ivan, who is as much as passionate as I am or even more. It is so comforting to be able to find a person resonating in the same frequency as I do. It is through him that  I have achieved balance. The flow of information is a give and take process. There are lots of instances when we found ourselves in different boats in terms of opinions but we are able to resist the desire to defend one’s own and conquer the other. We have managed to exercise mutual respect of differences and compromise as much as we can.

I am very happy to be in this kind of healthy relationship. But then again I reached the point when I got so overwhelmed. So overwhelmed that I felt it is not enough. Having felt the urge to expand outside our borders had become a mutual feeling. So we committed ourselves to sharing wisdom to others and gaining the same from them. I am not saying that everything we believe in is the truth. Because truth will always be subjective. We are not trying to impose our truth on other people’s truth. But we have gathered enough courage to introduce non-conformity and diversity. We believe that diversity is essential to keeping things in balance.

Between the both of us, Ivan is the speaker. He is a natural. Story telling is his strength. I, on the other hand, am having a hard time expressing myself vocally so I thought about trying a different medium – blogging – intended for this particular mission. I consider this a perfect tool as it can reach more people easily. But writing is not something that I’m good at. So obviously, there came my struggle.

I am proud of my vision but definitely not of the execution. Worrying too much about the technicalities prevents me from taking the first step. I worry about structure. I worry about audience. I worry about time. Writing a 300 word article requires a couple of hours for me to finish. I am not confident about my grammar. And when I do try to build phrases and sentences in my mind, attempting to find the perfect words to use and all, after a while or so, I tend to reach a road block. Different sets of ideas sprout from every corner of my brain which I cannot seem to isolate nor put them all together. Taking the first step is no question the most challenging part for me.

This very moment, I decided to let go of the perfectionist side of me. The result is finally being able to start with something. As you are reading this last paragraph of this so called article, you have probably realised by now that you’ll find nothing in here. After claiming that I was so eager to share so much, all I managed to put out is a rant. But it was my intention in the first place. I need a jump starter. At least now I could finally say that I took the first step.

~The Hungry Wolf